We're 2.5 years past diagnosis day and I feel like I can really say that I'm "mostly" past the grief. I honestly don't remember the last time I cried about Ben, or CP, or seeing "normal" twins.
We're a happy family. I've got 2 amazing kids and we're happy.
I had an interesting conversation with one of Ben's PT's last week..the one that does his casting. She continually tells me how amazing I am and how different I am from other moms that she usually deals with. I don't think she's ever heard a mom ASK to talk to the wheelchair people because she WANTS a wheelchair for her son.
So I thought about that for a while. Partly, I think this is because I read SO MUCH. I think I read something about CP every single day. But I'm not out there reading medical jargon or googling. I'm reading your blogs. Learning from your experiences. And one reason I think I was maybe a bit ahead of the curve on the wheelchair thing was because of this post by Katy at Bird on the Street and the comments made by adult wheelchair users.
But mostly though, I think this is because I've somehow managed to move past the grief and into acceptance. I've somehow stopped thinking about the CP and the brain damage as "something that happened to Ben". For me, thinking about it that way meant that he "should" have been different. He "shouldn't" have CP. He "should" be able to walk. And thinking like that was like a poison in my mind.
Somehow, I've managed to just think that this is how BEN IS. This did not "happen to him". THIS IS BEN.
And when I think that way, I stop crying. And I start to see Ben for who he is right now. And I'm so happy that I get to be his Mom. Me. Not someone else. Me.
And aren't I lucky?