Monday, May 30, 2011

Yesterday, I cried. Twice.

I had one of those days yesterday. For the most part, I am a very upbeat and positive person. Most of the time, I can be OK with this whole CP-thing. Most of the time, I can see all the positives. All the things he CAN do. And not focus on what he CAN'T do.

But sometimes, I fail at at that. Like yesterday. I gave in to all the negatives. All the CAN'TS. And I cried. Once for just a few seconds until I could get myself under control. And once last night, for a very long time. Last night I cried huge, wrenching sobs. Tears streamed down my face. My eyes got all red and puffy. And I yelled and screamed about how much I hate what CP has done to Ben. To us.

I said things and thought things that I haven't said or thought in a very long time. Why did this happen to Ben? It's so unfair. I just want him to be able to play on a playground on his own. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I have twin boys that run, jump and climb together? I fucking hate what CP has done to our family. I am so sick of my whole life revolving around spasticity. And on, and on, and on.

It was awful. A really horrible night.

But today is a new day. And I am back to being me. The happy, positive me. And of course, I can never feel that horrible when I'm watching my Ben play. He's an amazing boy who is making fantastic progress.


  1. {{Hugs}} I am loving his helmet!! I am assuming he loves his new bike?!?!

  2. Sending you big hugs! Isn't it amazing how watching our kids play can make our day better?

    You're better off than me, I cry more often than I would like. I wish I could accept CP better, maybe I'll get there one day.

  3. Oh honey, it is OK to cry. Especially to us, we get it in a way others might not . . . and I can't be strong all the time, though I wish I could. I would send you home-made macaroni and cheese and some chocolate chip cookies if you were my neighbor, so just pretend I did, OK?

    I sometimes cry when my daughter is walking up a hill and her energy level drops below her big sister's after going twenty feet . . . and my daughter is walking, so why can't I focus on that? I just do, and I wish I were stronger. So I understand Cary Anne, and I hope today is brighter for you.

  4. Aww, I'm really sorry you had a bad day, but glad today things are back to positive. I like the idea of (virtually) sending you home made macaroni and cheese, and some chocolate chip cookies!! I'll add a bottle of red to that ;)

  5. I'm there with you. Sometimes you just need to cry. It's OK to not be in "Acceptance Mode" all the time.

    Hugs to you!

  6. can you tell me more about this bike? where to get it? who makes it? how much? etc..?

    thanks, jeff itsallgonnaburn(at)live(dot)com