I had one of those days yesterday. For the most part, I am a very upbeat and positive person. Most of the time, I can be OK with this whole CP-thing. Most of the time, I can see all the positives. All the things he CAN do. And not focus on what he CAN'T do.
But sometimes, I fail at at that. Like yesterday. I gave in to all the negatives. All the CAN'TS. And I cried. Once for just a few seconds until I could get myself under control. And once last night, for a very long time. Last night I cried huge, wrenching sobs. Tears streamed down my face. My eyes got all red and puffy. And I yelled and screamed about how much I hate what CP has done to Ben. To us.
I said things and thought things that I haven't said or thought in a very long time. Why did this happen to Ben? It's so unfair. I just want him to be able to play on a playground on his own. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I have twin boys that run, jump and climb together? I fucking hate what CP has done to our family. I am so sick of my whole life revolving around spasticity. And on, and on, and on.
It was awful. A really horrible night.
But today is a new day. And I am back to being me. The happy, positive me. And of course, I can never feel that horrible when I'm watching my Ben play. He's an amazing boy who is making fantastic progress.