I thought this CP-thing was supposed to get easier? Because lately it's been feeling a whole lot harder. Last year, Ben was almost 3 and I thought it was hard having an-almost-3-year-old who can't walk. That was a walk in the park compared to having an almost-4-year-old who can't walk and is starting to understand how it affects his life.
It breaks my heart to see him holding back and watching all the other kids run circles around him. And I think it's starting to break his heart too.
Last year, he was doing so well with his walker, that I really thought that by now, he'd be using it like crazy and maybe even starting to use forearm crutches to get around...and maybe-just-maybe taking those first independent steps.
But nope. Spasticity totally sucks and Ben struggles more this year than last year. Often choosing a stroller or wagon over his walker.
Last year, I had two happy little boys who really had no idea that Ben was any different. This year, I take one little boy to soccer while the other one asks me why he doesn't have soccer cleats.
Last year, no one really noticed that I had an almost-3-year-old who crawled to get around. This year I feel their stares and unanswered questions.
So yeah...I'm feeling the struggle a bit more lately. I was doing so well all last winter...accepting this CP-thing. Not crying all the time. Actually feeling a little joyful on occasion. I thought I was on the path to "this CP-thing isn't so bad"...but instead I feel like I'm on a detour that has somehow brought me back to those days just after diagnosis. I'm having lots of thoughts that I thought I was done thinking. You know the ones. Things like "why us?" And lots of others along that line.
I guess when people describe our special needs world as a ROLLERCOASTER, they hit the nail on the head, eh? Now I'm just wondering when I start climbing upwards again...