Yesterday, I cried. Twice.

I had one of those days yesterday. For the most part, I am a very upbeat and positive person. Most of the time, I can be OK with this whole CP-thing. Most of the time, I can see all the positives. All the things he CAN do. And not focus on what he CAN'T do.

But sometimes, I fail at at that. Like yesterday. I gave in to all the negatives. All the CAN'TS. And I cried. Once for just a few seconds until I could get myself under control. And once last night, for a very long time. Last night I cried huge, wrenching sobs. Tears streamed down my face. My eyes got all red and puffy. And I yelled and screamed about how much I hate what CP has done to Ben. To us.

I said things and thought things that I haven't said or thought in a very long time. Why did this happen to Ben? It's so unfair. I just want him to be able to play on a playground on his own. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I have twin boys that run, jump and climb together? I fucking hate what CP has done to our family. I am so sick of my whole life revolving around spasticity. And on, and on, and on.

It was awful. A really horrible night.

But today is a new day. And I am back to being me. The happy, positive me. And of course, I can never feel that horrible when I'm watching my Ben play. He's an amazing boy who is making fantastic progress.

Another first

I'm home all alone on a Sunday morning. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. So here I sit on the couch, laptop on my lap, coffee on the end table next to me, soothing music on the TV. I can even hear the clock ticking. That's how quiet it is around here.

I dropped the boys off at my parent's at 8am this morning. My mom offered to take them for the morning so Clarence could go to work (it's still tax season here) and I could have a break. This has never happened before. My kids have never gone to my parent's house without me. My parent's have watched the boys for us before but always at our house.

And this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't planted the idea in her head. My parent's are great. They really are. I could ask them to do just about anything for us and they would do it. But they are not all that great at OFFERING help. They love the boys and see them fairly often, but always when it's convenient for them. Like on a Thursday morning when I have a thousand things to do. Never on a weekend when I'd like a break.

My parents have a very full life and for that I'm glad. But that doesn't leave much time for us sometimes.

I'm hoping that they all have a fantastic time this morning and that similar offers will be forthcoming. How much would I love it if they took them overnight sometime? How awesome would that be? I really wouldn't know what to do with myself then. Goodness, we might have to get dressed up and go out and maybe even stay up late drinking too much wine...and then maybe even sleep late.

A girl can dream, right?

Happy Blogiversary to Me

Well...it's officially the one year anniversary of the start of this blog. I've been thinking all weekend about what I should write for my anniversary post, but I'm coming up blank. I was actually trying to come up with 2 posts so that this post could be the 100th post, instead of the 99th. Oh well...

I've been having sort of a rough day. Not a horrible day. Just a rough day.

Ben's been sick (again). This time with a cold (a few weeks back it was a really nasty flu with lots of vomitting and diahhrea). He's on the mend but we're all suffering from a lack of sleep. And of course, now Daniel is coming down with it. Fortunately, both boys slept well last night (not one peep heard) so I thought maybe we'd have a good day.

It LOOKED like a beautiful day today...when you were inside looking out. Outside it was sunny and not too cool, but crazy windy. And I really hate wind...especially wind like that. So we were stuck indoors.

So, we headed off to the mall this morning for one of our Sunday walks around the mall. It was OK. Ben struggled in his walker. He kept falling onto his knees. Then he'd want his father to carry him (which was fine...except he wouldn't want Daniel to use his walker when he wasn't using it). So lots of fighting over the walker ensued. Fun.

They went down for their nap fine. But woke up about 45 minutes earlier than normal. Daddy had gone to work for a few hours (we're in peak tax season here and he's a tax accountant) so here I was stuck with 2 cranky, somewhat sick boys.

Supper was another tough go...Daniel ate OK, but Ben basically just had some yogurt and ritz crackers. And it was all a fight. And then it was even a struggle to get them into their jammies and off to bed.

Everything we did today just felt difficult and exhausting. I guess we have those days sometimes, but Lord I wish we didn't. They are just too draining. And demoralizing. They make me feel like I can't do anything right. They make me feel like I don't enjoy my kids...like all I do is count down to bedtime.

So yeah. Kind of a sucky post to mark this blog's anniversary. That's just the way it goes sometimes. Somedays life is hard.

An admission

I'm a total wimp when it comes to bugs. Right now I'm in our family room. Trying to stay calm. Trying to not let the irrational fear take over.

What is so terrifying you ask?

Well...a bee. A huge freakin' bee. A bee that (probably) can't get anywhere near me. It's stuck behind the glass door of our fireplace insert. But it's huge. Did I say that it's huge? And it's buzzing against the glass trying to get out. And I'm totally freaked out. I've got that horrible "heeby jeeby" feeling. Like all the hairs on the back of my neck are raised. I keep glancing over at the fireplace to make sure it hasn't escaped.

I may have to leave the room. I'm so pathetic, it's ridiculous.

Any admissions you'd like to make?

Happy Belated Easter

Happy Easter everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend with your families. We had a perfect weekend. Perfect weather, happy children, family get-togethers, and lots of good food. What else could we ask for?

On Saturday afternoon, we had our big family get-together and Easter dinner. My Dad purposely had his tractor out of the barn so the boys could look at it. Well, they weren't contect to just look at it. They had to "drive" it.


On Sunday afternoon (after filling our bellies with my Mom's huge breakfast), we headed out to enjoy the crazy warm temperatures. We went for a nice walk along the boardwalk / trail across the river and then hung out on the boardwalk for a while. Here the boys are just checkin' out the water and all the birdies.

This was a perfect area for both boys to play. Nice and flat for Ben and lots of things to keep them entertained. I love this pic of Ben chasing after Daniel. It warms my heart.

Daniel insisted on wearing his hat "backsards". What a punk! But he's pretty cute.

I forced the camera on my husband so I would have at least a few pics with me in them. Here's Ben and I enjoying ourselves.

I love the focus on this shot with Ben being in focus and Daniel not. What cute boys I have!

Their favourite thing to do was to throw rocks into the river. They would run back and forth to pick up rocks and then throw them in to hear the "splash". Here Daniel is winding up to throw.

Ben did simply awesome with his walker. We've now unlocked one of the backwheels and he's figured out how to back up and turn around once he's stuck! That definitely makes it much easier on us and gives him much more freedom and independence.

All in all a great weekend! Hopefully many more to come since Spring is here!

Cary-ology

After reading Stacie's "Stacie-ology", I decided to do my own.

Hey you! Yes, you and you and you and, especially you! Any of you reading this. You're tagged. After you've gotten to learn more about me than you ever wanted to know, take a turn and play the game. It's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

FOODOLOGY:
What is your salad dressing of choice? I make the best "Raspberry Vinegrette Dressing" that I just love.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? This is a toughy. I'll say The Keg...but only because that's the first one to come to mind.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Not really into Fast Food. I'll say McDonald's because the fries are so damn good.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Pizza
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Pepperoni, green peppers and mushrooms
How many televisions are in your house? Just one.
What color cell phone do you have? Red (if you knew me in real life, you'd say "of course it's red")

VUBIOLOGY:
Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? just my 2 kids via c-section, does that count?
What is the last heavy item you lifted? two 25 lb + toddlers at the same time (same answer as Stacie except mine weigh less than hers)
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope.
Have you ever fainted? yes

BULLCRAPOLOGY:
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Absolutely not. Too weird.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I think I'd love to be a Katherine...Kate for short.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Too many to count. LOVE flip flops. Can't wait for summer and flip flop season.
Last person you talked to? My niece Lucy who's here to help me out this week.

FAVORITOLOGY:
Season? Fall. Hands down. Cooler days, beautiful leaves, football season, Thanksgiving. What's not to like?
Holiday? Christmas but Thanksgiving is pretty close behind (awesome holiday with hardly any work)
Day of the week? Sunday
Month? September - again, the whole fall thing
Color? red
Drink? Diet Pepsi (with a lemon wedge)
Alcoholic? Well, no I'm not an alcholic but I do love a glass of red wine...probably a Cab but Malbec is a close second right now.

CURRENTOLOGY:
Missing someone? Yes, my sister who lives too freakin' far away...like 300o miles away.
What are you listening to? The clock ticking and the boys' white sound machine
What are you watching? Nada
Worrying about? Nothing really...just thinking about what we're going to do tomorrow
What's the last movie you saw? Avatar
Do you smile often? I think so.
If you could change your eye color what would it be? Green
What's on your wish list for your birthday? Just hoping for a special day with family (it's this weekend actually so we'll see)
Can you do a chin-up? I doubt it.
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Like Stacie, I think both.
Have you been in a car wreck? No
Have you caused a car wreck? No
Do you have an accent? Doesn't everyone? So yes, I'm sure I have a Canadian accent. My husband even insists that I have a Maritimer accent.
Last time you cried? Not sure exactly when the last time was...but definitely within the last few weeks. I still cry about Ben on occasion.
Plans tonight? It's almost 10:30pm here so my evening is done. Picked up my niece to spend a few days with us and now I'm just "blogging".
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yes - about 18 months ago. Right before we got Ben's diagnosis.
Name three things you bought yesterday? Milk, cheese, mushrooms (we got groceries yesterday)
Have you met someone who has changed your life? Yes
For the better or worse? Better.
How did you bring in the New Year? At home with my hubby. Although I'm pretty sure we were in bed before midnight.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? No. Absolutely not.
What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower.
Have you held hands with someone today? Yep...both kiddos.
Who was the last person you took a picture of? My husband with the boys
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Both. Definite mixture for me...but probably mostly new.
Do you like pulpy orange juice? YUCK!
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Can't remember. At least 25 years ago.
What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Trying to fall asleep
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? "Do I have time for a shower this morning?"

Our Day in Photos - A walk at the mall

Some Sunday mornings, we take the boys to the mall for a walk. The shops themselves don't open until noon but the doors are open starting at 9am for those that want to walk. Usually that's mostly elderly people, but there are some families there with small children...mostly just letting their kids burn off steam in the middle of winter.

Plus, it's a great opportunity to let Ben use his walker! Check out how happy he is to get going.

















Since Daniel doesn't have a walker (he'd love to have one though), he pushes the stroller around (we need somewhere to store the diaper bag and coats, mitts, hats, etc. Here he is looking for the bikes at Toys R Us. Sadly, no bikes were out this week.









Ben loved the letters in this "GARAGE" sign. He kept yelling "A for Alligator". We've been working on the alphabet lately and they are both doing awesome. I'd guess they each know about half the alphabet. We've attached words of meaning to each letter so they love learning them (and finding them when we're out). For example: D is for Daniel, B is for Ben, M is for Mommy, L is for Lucy (their cousin), S is for soother (they LOVE their pacifiers or soothers as we call them), Z is for zebra...and their favourite: W is for Walrus!!!


Daniel has to check everything out. Like this hinge on this door...apparently it's quite fascinating.












He also loves to 'hide' in small spaces. He loved this little nook in the wall. Unfortunately Ben couldn't fit in his walker.

















After our walk, it's time for a snack. So we head to the foodcourt. Daniel loves to get the highchairs. We take off the tray tables and pull them right up to the table with us. They had carrot muffins, goldfish crackers and water.









After Daddy got his coffee from Tim Horton's (it opens at 10am - woohoo!), he joined us at the table. Ben was happy to see him.











In this photo, you can see Ben playing Peek-a-boo from behind his cup. Don't you love that smile?











Another great smile, this time from Daniel. I had to force the camera onto my husband for this one...otherwise there would be NO pictures of me EVER.










This is just the boys being silly together. Daniel was trying to kiss Ben but Ben wanted none of it. I love how they interact together.

All in all, it was a great morning (except for the meltdown when Ben couldn't "push the stroller" like Daniel). Then it was time to go home.

Biting off more than I can chew

I may be completely crazy. In the past month, I have taken on not ONE, but TWO part-time jobs. I could have had THREE, but I had enough sense to turn at least ONE job down.

So what are these jobs you ask? Well, let me tell you.

First, I've finally gone back to work part-time. I guess it's not technically "back to work" since I've never worked there before. But I have gone back to doing accounting. My Dad, my husband and I are all Chartered Accountants. My Dad has his own accounting practice and my husband is in the process of taking over this practice so my dad can retire. I've agreed to work there part-time (about 15 hours per week) during tax season. So from now til the end of April.

Second, I'm taking on something completely new and out of my comfort zone. I'm currently in the middle of training to be a Weight Watchers Leader! I am SO EXCITED about this. I can't wait to make a difference in people's lives. I lost 40 lbs last year and have maintained this loss for 6 months now and I FEEL AMAZING! It has made a huge difference in my life as well as those around me. And I want every other overweight person to feel this amazing. I can't wait to get started.

So life is pretty great right now. I have lots of variety each week between my two part-time (paying) jobs and my two full-time (non-paying jobs)...named Ben and Daniel. I am very blessed in that I have a great nanny to help care for the boys. She works for us full-time (40 hours per week; she doesn't live with us). I get to be ME some of the time and be MOMMY some of the time. I can still take Ben to his PT sessions and take the boys to playdates, etc.

I am one very lucky lady. I just hope I can handle it all.

Just around the corner...

Our backyard last Fall

My favourite time of the year is just around the corner. I love Fall. I start thinking about it every year starting sometime in June...probably on the first hot day of the summer. I think it must stem from when I was a kid. I loved "Back to School". I loved getting new clothes and school supplies and heading back to school to see what all my friends had been up to all summer.

Now I love Fall for many reasons. Cool mornings followed by warm afternoons. The colours of the leaves. Halloween. Football Season. Thanksgiving. Apple picking.

I also get to be ME (yes, just plain old me...not wife, not mommy...ME) for most of the month of October. I work in October. It's the only time where I actually work and get paid. And I actually get on a plane and leave my husband and kids. That's hard but it's great to just be me for part of the year.

Oh...and another awesome part of Fall...getting ready for Christmas...and maybe even that first snowfall.

What's your favourite time of year?

Taking care of me

I've alluded to my weight struggles in prior posts. For me, weight has been an issue since I was 18. I first joined Weight Watchers when I was 20. I am 5' 8" and I weighed 177 lbs. I realize that I wasn't huge, but I was definitely overweight. After about 9 months, I was down to 145 lbs and feeling great. I thought I would be able to keep the weight off forever. I thought I had it all figured out.

It turns out I didn't. I stopped going to meetings and eventually gained all the weight back and more. 20 lbs more. When I went back to Weight Watchers in January, I weighed in at 197 lbs. I was quite dismayed at my weight, but pretty happy that I had stopped myself before the 200 lb mark.

In the thirteen years in between, I was pretty much all over the place. I know that 5 years ago I got down to about 165 lbs. I was exercising like a fanatic and watching what I ate. The main reason I lost the weight was because I was in a very unhappy marriage. I hated to be in the same room as my now ex-husband so I would hide out at the gym...plus I had a crush on my trainer.

In the last 6 months, I have lost 34.4 lbs! I weighed in this morning at 163 lbs. I'm just 3 lbs off my Weight Watchers goal...although I'd like to lose about 10 more. I really couldn't be more thrilled about my progress, but I'm still feeling a bit cautious. I don't want to gain it all back. I really don't. So my focus this time around has been to figure out how to do this forever. To figure out how to make maintenance exciting.

This is what I've figured out so far:

1. I absolutely must continue to attend meetings. I must do this forever. Meetings motivate me. I have the most amazing Leader and I feel so energized when I leave there each week. In fact, in the beginning, the only thing I committed to doing was to attend a meeting each week. I didn't commit to eating less or moving more. I committed to attend meeting each and every week.

2. The WW plan works best for me if I am very careful about what I eat before 5pm. I eat healthy but not a lot of food during the day. This allows me to have a fairly large portion for dinner and even have an evening snack if I need it.

3. I don't need to work out like a fanatic, but I must move more. Luckily, I just happen to have 2 little boys in my life that require alot of chasing around. They also really enjoy walks. And these walks let Mommy have a few minutes to hear herself think. I expect once winter arrives, I will have to cut back on my Points due to the decrease in the amount of exercise I will get.

And that's about it. When I look at it, it certainly doesn't seem like rocket science to me. It almost makes me wonder why the hell I didn't do this earlier?

I don't really have any good full-body before and after pics but here's what I could find.

Before (September 2008) - check the belly!

Not quite after (May 2009) - down about 25 lbs.

Beyond acceptance

Our life before kids was the kind of life that people envy. We lived in Bermuda. We traveled ALOT. We had lots of friends and had a very active social life. We would drop everything at the last minute and go to New York for a shopping weekend. We truly were having the times of our lives.

Then life changed very quickly for us. We decided to leave Bermuda for North Carolina...but things changed and we ended up in New York City instead. I found myself pregnant with twins just a few short months after we arrived. The pregnancy was hard. We didn't know anyone and my husband worked alot. I was very lonely but kept myself busy decorating our duplex and planning for the babies' arrival.

Just 7 short months later and they were here. And they were tiny. And they were sick. Very sick. We had no friends or family close by. People didn't seem to understand how sick they were. People didn't understand that we came very close to losing Ben.

Then they came home. And it was hard. Very hard. And exhausting. And lonely. And we missed our old life. We loved our babies but I think we both regretted having them. We wanted to go back to those care-free, easy days. We missed our friends. And traveling. And sleeping in.

My husband and I agree that at about the one year mark, we had both accepted that this was now our life. We still missed our old life but we were OK with the new one. It was a very long year getting to that point. But today, an odd thing happened. I finally realized that our new life was FUN. I wasn't just accepting it anymore. I was loving it. Sure, it's still hard. Especially dealing with the CP stuff. But the 4 of us were having fun. And I said to my husband, "It's so fun with them. Most days are fun now."

It took a long time to get here...but I can finally say that I'm having a ball!

Me

Well. I guess I should start with me. Normally I'd start with my boys, but I want this blog to be about me too. Is that selfish?

I'm 34 (how did that happen?). I live in a small city in Canada about 20 minutes away from the very small town where I grew up (and where my parents still live). I am (mostly) happily married to my husband of 2 1/2 years. I have fraternal twin boys, aged 19 months.

Here are some random things about me:

1. My absolute favourite thing to do is sleep. I would nap every day if I could.

2. I admit it…I now drink instant coffee.

3. I make the best spaghetti sauce on the planet.

4. I have an amazing husband who gets up with the boys every morning at 6am and lets me sleep til 7:30…oh and even has my coffee ready for me when I get downstairs.

5. There is nothing that compares to a glass of good red wine.

6. I am on a diet. To date, I've lost 17 lbs. by doing Weight Watchers. I'd like to lose another 20 lbs. or so.

7. I can't watch CSI when home alone.

8. I have a ridiculous phobia of bugs.

9. I lived in Bermuda for 6 years, 3 of which were the best years of my life so far.

10. My French is good enough to survive in Paris.

11. Salt & Vinegar chips are my absolute favourite snack…always have been…always will be.

12. I love country music.

13. I hate exercise.

14. My last thought every single night is about Ben and his progress (or lack of), his therapies, his future, etc.

15. I spend way too much time on Facebook.

16. In my prior life (i.e. before kids), I was a Chartered Accountant (U.S. equivalent of a CPA).

17. I really don't have any hobbies.

18. I'm way too competitive.

19. I'm a horrible dancer and feel quite self-conscious about it. Red wine and/or vodka help.

20. I stole most of these from my Facebook Note "25 Random Things About Me".