It's all relative

Everything is relative. I've struggled with my weight since high school. For me, this usually means that I'm somewhere between 30 and 40 lbs. overweight. I've never bought clothes in plus sizes but I have had times where nothing "normal" fits. I often complain about being overweight, how sometimes it feels like just looking at a piece of cheesecake causes me to gain 5 lbs., how I hate swimsuit shopping, etc. I do have the common sense however to NOT do this in front of someone who has perhaps 75 to 100 lbs to lose. I realize that to them I am SKINNY. And they would love to be where I am.

Some people do not have this common sense. An old friend of mine would constantly complain about her big thighs and how she needed to lose some weight. She probably weighed all of 110 lbs soaking wet. I don't even remember weighing 110 lbs...I zoomed right past that on my way to 145 lbs (in high school) before zooming onwards to even bigger numbers.

So...to get to my point. Last week, I was talking with an old friend from Bermuda. She of course asked how Ben was. (By the way, I never really know how to answer this question. Do I just say fine? Since he is fine. He's healthy and happy. Or do I detail how much he hates PT right now? How frustrated he is when we're outside and he can't explore the way he wants to? How he's almost 2 years old and nowhere near walking?) She went on to tell me a friend of hers (who is also an old co-worker of mine) who has a 3-year-old with mild CP (by mild, I mean the child walked at 19 months...just typing that makes me jealous). And how said friend would love to offer advice or any help that I might need. I didn't really know what to say. This may sound awful, but really, how can this woman help me? Just like how would I be of any help to a mother who's child's CP is much more severe than Ben's?

I can't remember exactly how I responded. I hope I wasn't too ungrateful. But this friend does have some idea of the fact that Ben won't likely walk til he's 4 or so. And I guess it just pointed out to me once again, how most people don't really get it.

I guess my question to myself is, "Would I 'get it', if this were happening to a friend of mine and not to me?" Probably not. So how can I expect it of someone else?

Beyond acceptance

Our life before kids was the kind of life that people envy. We lived in Bermuda. We traveled ALOT. We had lots of friends and had a very active social life. We would drop everything at the last minute and go to New York for a shopping weekend. We truly were having the times of our lives.

Then life changed very quickly for us. We decided to leave Bermuda for North Carolina...but things changed and we ended up in New York City instead. I found myself pregnant with twins just a few short months after we arrived. The pregnancy was hard. We didn't know anyone and my husband worked alot. I was very lonely but kept myself busy decorating our duplex and planning for the babies' arrival.

Just 7 short months later and they were here. And they were tiny. And they were sick. Very sick. We had no friends or family close by. People didn't seem to understand how sick they were. People didn't understand that we came very close to losing Ben.

Then they came home. And it was hard. Very hard. And exhausting. And lonely. And we missed our old life. We loved our babies but I think we both regretted having them. We wanted to go back to those care-free, easy days. We missed our friends. And traveling. And sleeping in.

My husband and I agree that at about the one year mark, we had both accepted that this was now our life. We still missed our old life but we were OK with the new one. It was a very long year getting to that point. But today, an odd thing happened. I finally realized that our new life was FUN. I wasn't just accepting it anymore. I was loving it. Sure, it's still hard. Especially dealing with the CP stuff. But the 4 of us were having fun. And I said to my husband, "It's so fun with them. Most days are fun now."

It took a long time to get here...but I can finally say that I'm having a ball!

Bermuda, Bahama, Come on pretty mama...

I was lucky enough to live on the tiny, beautiful island of Bermuda for 6 years...from 2001 to 2006. Some of those years were the best of my life (so far anyways). I now consider Bermuda to be my other home. I met the most amazing people there. People that I now consider family. Sometimes I think that I found "me" in Bermuda.

We left Bermuda almost 3 years ago. I ache for it. I miss the smell of oleander, the sound of the waves crashing, the balmy evenings, and the tree frogs. I miss pink sand, rum swizzles, rugby season, and riding a scooter. I miss having 4 days off for Cup Match, flying kites on Good Friday, shopping on Front Street, and Happy Hour at the Princess.

I just got back on Thursday from a 5-day holiday back home in Bermuda. My husband and I had so much fun. We felt like our old selves. The couple we were before kids. On our last night, we sat on a bench overlooking Hamilton Harbour and watched the lighthouse go round and round....listening to the tree frogs. We didn't want that night to end. But it did end and we were happy to get back to our other home and go back to being the couple with kids (God...I missed them!).

And now here are some great shots of Bermuda...

Father's Day

Daniel and Benjamin have a truly awesome Dad. They (and I) are so blessed to have him. Here's just a short list of all the great things he does for them (and me):

1. Gets up every morning at 6am to hang out with them (while mommy sleeps til 7:30). He even got up with them on Father's Day since I had been out til 3am for a bachelorette party!
2. Gives countless "horsey rides" every day.
3. Carries Ben. This can be so exhausting depending on what we're up to each day. Daddy carries Ben most of the time and I just give him breaks when he's especially worn out.
4. Ignores all the chores that need to be done each weekend in order to get as much time with them as possible.
5. Could fly solo anytime (and mommy wouldn't have to worry about him or the boys one bit).
6. Makes sure that Ben gets his stretches everyday.
7. Lies on the floor with them and lets them crawl all over him.
8. Loves them (and me) so, so, so much.

(The above pic is from December 2007. The boys were just under 3 months old and had been home from the hospital for about 3 weeks.)

Cutie pies

I couldn't resist posting this great picture of my boys. Enjoy!

On the verge...

Ben is making so much progress lately. He works so hard and it is really awesome to watch. He is ALMOST crawling on all fours on a consistent basis. I would guess we're just a few weeks away. He gets up on all fours when he wants to pull up on something. So we've been moving that "something" away and he crawls on all fours for a few feet to get to it. He's also done it spontaneously at least twice. He's so cute when he's doing it. You can tell he's all excited as he does this cute little laugh like he can't believe it himself.

He can now get "out of sitting". We're hoping when he starts to crawl on all fours consistently that he'll finally learn how to get into sitting. Currently he can get into a kneel or "w-sit" by pulling up on a toy or piece of furniture but can't do it on his own.

I feel like he's really close to doing more and more great things. I'm all optomistic these days. What a strange feeling...

Being the "downer"

I feel like I'm always the "downer" these days. Here's a couple of examples of some recent conversations I've had about Ben:

Example 1
Background: A couple of weeks ago, we took the boys to this awesome playgroup. Every Wednesday morning, about 70 kids (with moms or dads or caregivers) show up at a local church gym for a really great time. The gym is set up with all different stations for the different ages (baby, toddler, pre-schooler). There are crafts, games, play-doh, puzzles, a train set, etc. This was our first time going.

Friend: How did you enjoy the Playgroup?
Me: It's fantastic for the boys, but for me absolutely exhausting. It's so hard carrying Ben around to all the different stages. There are so many kids, it's just not possible to let him army-crawl around. Plus, if it's a station where they have to stand up, I have to help support him so he doesn't fall. He just loved the trainset but it just about killed my back! Plus, he gets so frustrated that he can't just go and do what he wants.
Friend: Yeah, but when does he get his walker? That'll make it so much easier for you.
Me: Not really. This place is really too crowded plus I'd be scared that he'd get knocked over by another kid not paying attention. Plus, he's a long way from being competent in his walker.
Friend: Oh? I thought he did awesome in that video you posted a few weeks back.
Me: Well, that wasn't his walker. That was just the gait trainer. He's all harnessed in that and just has to move his legs to move. He's got a lot of work to do before he's ready for his walker.
Friend: Oh. (not sure what to say next)

Example 2
Background: Ben is working hard on learning to crawl on all fours. All day long he pulls up onto all fours so that he can reach up to something and then pull himself to kneel or stand. When doing this, he will "walk" his knees forward once he's holding on to the item in question (i.e. chair, crib rail, etc.) This morning he was trying to pull up to kneel on my mom's leg (she was sitting on the floor). Before he got his hands on her, she moved away a little bit. So he crawled on all fours to get to her. So she moved away a bit again. He continued to crawl. In the end, he probably crawled about 3 or 4 ft that way. So hopefully he's very close to crawling properly.

My mom: WOW! That's awesome Ben! I can't believe you're crawling! And you can now pull to stand too! Before you know it, you'll be cruising around furniture!
Me: Well, it'll probably be quite awhile before he'll be able to cruise around furniture.
My mom: Yeah, but it took him no time to learn to crawl like that.
Me: Well, he's been getting up on all fours for about 3 months now...so no, it wasn't "no time". I feel like he's been teasing me with it for ages now. That's how it always is with Ben. Things that take "normal" kids a week or a month to master, take Ben 3 to 6 to 9 months to master. And as for cruising around furniture, we'll be lucky if he can do that in a year's time.
My mom: Oh.

I am so sick of being the downer all the time. I feel like everyone else gets to be all excited and thrilled about Ben's progress and when they do, I crush them with the reality of the situation. But sometimes I just want to know what our reality is. I feel like so many of my friends and family try to minimize the crappiness (nice word eh?) of our situation. It's like they really can't handle knowing how bad it is for us. Or just how hard it is physically with Ben these days now that he's 20 months old and not able to walk. Sometimes I wonder why I insist on doing this. Is it at all helpful to them or me?

Anyone else feel this way?